


To Love and Cherish

by ElentariR



Series: Getting Back to Myself [18]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Healing, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 19:33:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15780660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElentariR/pseuds/ElentariR
Summary: “You knew your boyfriend had PTSD and you’re still dating him anyway? Wasn’t one man with issues enough? Why put yourself through it again? Why do you put up with him?”In which Bucky overhears a conversation that leaves him gobsmacked.





	To Love and Cherish

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say: I have never dealt with PTSD nor am I close to someone who has. However, if you or a loved one is, please, please seek help.

Inexplicable anxiety sized Bucky as he approached the doors of the VA. This was all part of Wilson’s diabolical scheme to get Bucky in one of his groups – he was sure of it. And now he’d gotten Noelle in on it, too. She had happily volunteered to make dozens of cookies for an event – something about supporting the families of veterans and PTSD – and that had led into her helping at the event. Wilson had taken her, but had made some excuse as to why he couldn’t take her home.

It was a conspiracy and it wasn’t fair.

Still, Noelle needed a ride and Bucky was the man for the job. He wasn’t about to have her hail a cab. Grant Ward may have been removed from the scene and Noelle may have moved back into her own apartment, but he wasn’t about to leave her unprotected. Bucky had even moved in with Noelle. He slept on the couch – _intimacy_ just was not on the table, not yet – but the simple domesticity brought such a peace and stability to his life that sometimes Bucky wondered if Noelle was the one protecting him, not the other way around.

Except he didn’t have to wonder. He knew Noelle helped protect him from demons.

By the looks of it, things were wrapping up. Families were filtering out and clean-up was in progress. He spotted Wilson first, deep in conversation with a few other men. Noelle was harder to find. After ducking into a few side rooms, he finally heard her speaking softly and he found himself stopping just around the corner.

“You’ve known someone with PTSD?” Noelle’s companion had asked hesitantly.

“Several,” Noelle replied softly. “My late husband and several of his buddies – Marines. They had a rough time of it in the Sandbox. Never liked to talk about it, but I learned enough. My boyfriend now….” Noelle paused. Bucky cringed at Noelle’s admission. Shame pricked at him. “They don’t tell you that the families serve, too, do they?”

The other lady snorted. “They sure don’t.” The agreement was low and bitter. “You knew your boyfriend had PTSD and you’re still dating him anyway? Wasn’t one man with issues enough? Why put yourself through it again? Why do you put up with him?”

Guilt and shame crashed over Bucky. Anger followed the guilt – anger at his own weakness. He closed his eyes and prayed for the earth to swallow him, hands clenched tightly at his side.

“But that’s not how I see it at all.” Noelle’s puzzled response froze Bucky just as he was about to bolt. “When I see my boyfriend, when I saw my husband and his buddies….I don’t see a broken man. Because he’s not. None of them are. How can I? These men – and women – have gone through things that we can never imagine. Robert – my late husband – was not the same man I married when he came back. And it hurt. Oh, it hurt. When he first got home, we fought all the time. I didn’t know how to handle the mood shifts, the angry outbursts, the paranoia. I cried myself to sleep every night in our bed, while he slept on the floor.”

“My husband does that, too,” the women whispered.

“I asked him one day why he did that, in the middle of a fight. We had a perfectly good bed. Why in the world would he choose to sleep on cold, hard floor – not with me?” Bucky could hear tears in Noelle’s voice. He swallowed a lump in his throat. She had never shared this with him. “Robert… He looked me right in the eyes. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes. And he said,” Noelle’s voice broke and Bucky closed his eyes. He knew what Robert had said. “He said, ‘if I sleep in the bed, I won’t be able to wake up and protect you.’

“That moment changed everything. Because I realized, in that moment, that I had been expecting my high school sweetheart to waltz through the door, instead of accepting the man I had vowed to love and cherish – for better or for worse. It did get better after that. He started going to therapy, and I did too. Our marriage was stronger and healthier than it probably ever would have been otherwise. I learned to watch for his triggers and I worked at letting the bad days roll off my back. I stopped trying to make him fit in the old mold and worked on getting to know this new man. I learned to stop trying to _make_ him talk about what he was feeling, about what he had seen. We learned, together, who we had become and how to love again.”

“But your boyfriend now?” The woman pressed. Bucky bit the inside of his cheeks hard. He dreaded her response.

Noelle didn’t respond right away, but when she did, Bucky was positively gobsmacked. “I _don’t_ put up with James, Cindy. That’s just it. We’ve all got demons. We’ve all got skeletons in our closet. James and your husband… they’ve just got a few more. They’re not broken men and they’re not burdens to be bourn. They’re just different and they have different struggles. And, no, it is certainly not always easy. I get frustrated and my patience wears thin sometimes, especially with raising Steven, too. Just the other day I yelled at James for eating my leftover Chinese food – totally uncalled for. But I don’t put up with him anymore than he puts up with me having a meltdown over food or when I broke my finger at the zoo and he had to drive me to the hospital and watch my energetic boy. I chose to welcome James into my life because of who he is, because of his heart. Because of the tiny little lines between his eyebrows when he’s deep in thought. Because of how he puts himself between Steven and I and the road when we walk. Because of how he dramatically flops to the ground when Steven whacks him with a foam sword. Because of how he makes me want to be better. Because of how he makes me brave. And as painful and heartbreaking as it is to witness his bad days, James wouldn’t be who he is today without the terrible pain he endured. AndI count James’ love as one of the highest honors I could ever hope for in this life.”

Twelve seconds passed before Bucky realized that the hot moisture on his cheeks were his tears. He wiped them away hastily. By the end of Noelle’s gently passionate speech, Bucky’s heart had raced, spluttered to a screeching halt, and then roared back to life only to die again. He was currently working on restarting it again.

“Wow,” Cindy whispered.

Bucky nodded with her.

Noelle didn’t reply and Bucky could just imagine her hitching a shoulder awkwardly, blushing at her lengthy response. He had never felt so loved or unworthy and he wanted nothing more than to kiss the angel that stood hidden just feet away.

“Here,” Noelle said after a moment. “Let me give you my number. Call anytime you need to talk, okay? Trust me; it’s easier if you have your own battle buddy. And don’t give up on him, alright? This isn’t the end of your marriage.” There was a rustle of clothing and Bucky imagined they were hugging, like women tended to do.

Cindy rounded the corner moments later, her own cheeks splotched red and mascara smudged. Bucky hastily moved forward to give the appearance that he had just arrived and had not just overheard deeply personal revelations.

Noelle’s mascara was in better condition than Cindy’s, but it was clear that she had been crying too. Still, she smiled broadly when she saw him. “Hey-” Bucky swiftly pulled her into his arms, muffling her response against his sweater. He didn’t release her until a long minute had passed.

Noelle looked up at him curiously, her eyes conveying concern. His hands still rested on her arms. “Everything alright, Bucky?”

Bucky managed a nod. “I love you, Noelle Grey. And I never want you to forget it.”

Noelle’s concern melted into a blinding smile. Reaching up on her tiptoes, she pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “And I love you.”

Linking his arm in his, Bucky escorted Noelle to the car as she chattered pleasantly about her evening. Bucky felt like the happiest man on earth.

Bucky may not count himself as worthy by half of the angel on his arm, but she thought he was worth everything. And, really, that was all that mattered.


End file.
